Journal Eleven: Close Revision

For your 11th blog entry, I want you to pick one of the weakest paragraphs in your paper and revise it as best as you can. Your blog entry should include that paragraph in its original/weak form as well as its revision so I can see exactly how you revised your work. Make sure to fix all verb tense agreement issue. Include strong transitions if necessary. Get rid of sentence fragments and/or run-on sentences. Tidy up your word choice. Clarify language where needed. And make sure any citations or quotes are properly formatted (you can use MLA, APA, Chicago Style -- whatever you prefer, as long as you are consistent).